somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Rumble strips road head = magical
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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