My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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