It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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