someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
