Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
