my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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