two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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