Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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