Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
