there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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