I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
