I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
