Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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