I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
