I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
As shirtless as possible
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
