what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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