I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
