Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
