if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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