dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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