Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
