3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
