At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
