tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
