Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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