i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
