Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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