It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
