i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
