i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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