Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
