Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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