why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
