The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize