i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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