Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
