The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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