Me too!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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