My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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