i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
