I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
