1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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