Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
