We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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