hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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