This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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