hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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