Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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