Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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