It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
