I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
