you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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