I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My pussy is not your playground.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
