Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
