You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
