The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
