she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
