all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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