I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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