a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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