Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He? As in you personified your dick?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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